Trapped in the past

Gloomy rainy day to return back to KL. Totally not helping. This is going to be a rather emo post..i might even regret posting it up. Ive been doing some 'soul searching' or so i think so. A friend of mine whom i havent seen in a long time told me i have changed a lot. I lack self confidence. Im not quite the outspoken person i used to be compared to when i was in high school. I was quite taken aback actually. but to a certain extent, she was right.

Maybe cause back in high school i always have a big group of friends to fall back on. Maybe at that time i really didnt give a damn what ppl thought about me. Being a patrol leader in girl guides in school n being active in the choral speaking team maybe gave me the confidence to be outspoken.

Then as time passes, the big group of friends becomes a small group of friends as we head different paths in life and then its left to a number u can count with your fingers. Then u start liking guys, well in my case a certain guy. U start obsessing with the way u look and keep on changing the way u look just to get him to even give u a second look. Suddenly what evryone thought bout u mattered.

'Omg u're so fat lah'
'is that a huge zit on ur face'
'gosh, if u get rid of ur acne u might actually look pretty'
'Come on, be realistic lah, no guy would accept u the way u r'
'if you lose some weight, u will look pretty'

bla bla...there goes the self esteem down the drain....
all the pleasing, doing evrything for a guy but it goes unnoticed,
rejection, drama, n still putting hope on something that'll never happen...turns u bitter as u chant to yourself...being single is COOL!

In uni, being already low in self confidence, i gave up trying to fit in. Afterall, its not the quantity but the quality rite?

when i meet up with some old friends, the past is the only common topic i have with them. i'll be quiet otherwise. i dont know why. i hate being like this!


Way Back into Love
I've been living with a shadow overhead
I've been sleeping with a cloud above my bed
I've been lonely for so long
Trapped in the past
I just can't seem to move on.


i need to move on.....................